Impartiality

     We find ourselves where we are. That includes where we are in reality, and also where we are in our consciousness. I wish to be conscious of reality, the reality of this body, mind and feelings, also my whole reality, the universe as experienced by me, other people, present in body or in spirit, my relationship with the Earth, with all that is.

     It includes my thoughts, but awareness is not thinking. Of course I think, in fact I love to think, I am good at it, I have a real interest in psychology and a number of other topics. But I am really seriously interested in psychology. My interest there goes beyond mere thought. My psychology is really my life.

     The ultimate conclusion of all my psychological thinking is that I must wake up to reality, right now. Then, when I make this effort, my thinking just goes on, like all of my physical processes just go on. My attention is on my living as a whole, simultaneously with life of my real I.

     One must learn this dexterity. It takes a lot of practice. What is the motivation?

     The motivation is really our pain, emotional pain. We all experience emotional pain, and sometimes a great deal of it. It can drive people to suicide, although that is a profoundly stupid response to emotional pain. Sometimes one sees no way out. It can also drive people to what used to be called madness. Obviously we seek a way out of emotional pain. That is a principle of life, any organism does the same. It is simple enough if one sees a way out. If not, we often resort to distraction, maybe facilitated by drugs or alcohol. It can be a good strategy. We can easily be excessively focused on our pain. If one gets one's mind off it for a bit perspective is restored, one realizes that there is much more to my life than only my pain. But when the emotional pain is chronic, a need of ours that is not being met, it returns, maybe in full force. Relief by distraction may become more difficult. The required dose of drugs and alcohol may increase. One can easily spend so much time under the influence that one's possibility of actually getting needs met and thereby eliminating the cause of the pain is seriously impaired, and substance abuse can cause even more pain by damaging our relationships, finances and health, until it becomes substance dependance.

     Acceptance is the better way. Obviously I don't mean acceptance that I must remain in pain (in Spain,   mainly on the plain.) Of course I don't accept that, neither would a flea or a cockroach. Even a plant must hope for better on some level. I am talking about acceptance of reality as is, not a feeling of acceptance but an experience of acceptance. Of course I am responsible to respond to reality. That is my life, I respond continuously. If I am in pain, maybe great emotional pain, that is definitely telling me that I am not responding to reality correctly. I have to have hope that it could be better. Somehow, it must be possible for me to respond differently. At the moment, I don't know how.

     In acceptance of my present, I accept my pain, I accept the reality that is causing my pain, and I accept my hope, faith and determination that I will move on, out of pain and toward paradise. I accept it all, impartially. This is not possible in my thought.

     Impartiality means that I have an experience in my consciousness in which reality is accepted, at that moment, as is. I cannot be impartial in my thought, but it is possible for me to experience impartial awareness in my consciousness. It is not thought. It is a higher functioning of my consciousness, a capacity that I do have, and so do you, but which is not automatically developed by our life in our culture. It must be developed by one's own will and one's own efforts. This work cannot proceed in isolation. We must make a culture of awareness of reality.

     I call it a higher functioning, not to evoke or express a certain pernicious form of egoism which is a huge trap for those who set out on this path. Exactly because the understanding of the need for real acceptance is rare in our culture, and the realization that acceptance of reality is only possible by means of a different kind of mental capacity from thinking is even much rarer-rarity squared, one might say: there is a very human, very understandable tendency for groups, and this is a group enterprise, there is a culture of this kind of practice, there is a tremendous history of human beings who have pursued this kind of quest, the way of life and of reconnection, one comes into contact, somehow, with this culture, and you are coming in contact with it right now; but there is a tendency for groups pursuing this kind of aim, in a culture that doesn't recognize the necessity and the value of it, to adopt a certain defensive egoism, that we who are "seekers of the truth" are actually superior, more enlightened, more developed, more chosen than our fellows. This is a disastrous attitude, even if it is understandable. It tends to paralyze relationships even within such groups, as everyone who has been seriously involved with this kind of practice knows.

     A person must understand that I am, I exist. This is true for each person. I experience reality, my reality. I must respond to life as experienced by me. I experience emotional pain at times, sometimes great pain. There is no particular place for egoism in any of that. What person could not say the same? It's the truth. I do not wish to be in pain. It is not an exclusive club. I see that conscious acceptance of reality is the right response to emotional pain. Well, not everybody sees that, and I am convinced that it is right, so I can get egotistical about that. As I say, it is defensive.

     In addition to the strategy of distraction from emotional pain, there are, in every culture, diagnoses for why one is experiencing pain and prescriptions for replacing pain with satisfaction. There is a prescribed cultural way of life. In a healthy culture, most people are following the cultural prescription more or less successfully. Our culture is showing clear signs of deterioration. The norm is not experience of intense emotional pain, although we do accept that bereavement, for example, will cause great pain. One is supposed to get over it. Many other life experiences obviously produce great emotional pain. We prefer not to think about it. To an extent, the culturally prescribed way of life represents a strategy of distraction from our pain, although it also represents a strategy for getting our needs met and thereby experiencing satisfaction rather than pain. What about the pain of death, of those we love, including animals, of our own inevitable death? No cultural prescription can really address that pain.

     I really have a problem with the formulation that "life is suffering." My life, at times, is suffering, but I do not accept that it has to be like that. I wish to accept my life as is in order to respond correctly to my life, so that I don't HAVE to suffer. And I am sure that this is possible. I have tasted paradise as a result of practicing awareness of reality, but I sure don't live there, as yet.

     This defensive egoism is a mental dam against the cultural prescriptions- for example, just make money, just be sociable, just find ways of having good sex, go shopping, buy a wide screen T.V., a smartphone, be interested in politics, etc. I want to practice awareness of reality. It takes time, effort, attention. I can't join wholeheartedly in the cultural life way because I need to pursue this aim. It is hard to explain it to others, except the group in which I learned the practice, they understand. When I am in pain, maybe great pain, I hear the song of the cultural prescriptions. Have I not heard it my whole life? No, I feel that I must seek first the kingdom of Heaven, and I have faith that then all else can be added unto me, because with God, all things are possible.

     This is what I really want to say. There is a certain necessary and inevitable attitude toward impartial awareness. It is the attitude that necessitates the concept of God. People don't understand this. What is holy? Truth is holy. That which is, is holy. Not partial truth, our thinking is not holy. Impartial awareness of reality must be understood emotionally. In that understanding one knows what God means, love of God, remorse and repentance before God, and the wish to take that most light yoke of which Jesus spoke. When I understand impartiality, I do pray that God's kingdom may come on Earth as in Heaven, and of course that my trespasses may be forgiven, really by me, that I can forgive myself for the horrible stupidity that has caused such pain to me and to others associating with me. But I must work for God's kingdom to come on my Earth, that is the yoke. As to not leading us into temptation and delivering us from evil, I think that is really putting too much on God. It is up to me to be open to awareness of reality. It is the higher power of impartial and simultaneous consciousness, pure consciousness. I am just a reflection of the universe. As the universe has reflected me, so do I wish to reflect back, in gratitude. It is why we were given consciousness, the one talent that is death to hide. And in reflecting reality as is, I will respond to reality, not to my partial thoughts, which are not stupid so long as my awareness is at home. It isn't that my thoughts are stupid. But they sure are partial. "Don't believe everything you think." I do believe my awareness of reality. It is my God. God is omnipresent, present now. But I must pay attention to God, that is my Work. My culture didn't teach me about this, but I was fortunate enough to come in contact with a subculture that knew about it.

     So what about all the immense emotional pain that crashes down on me sometimes these days, the pain of wrong living, stupidity in relationships, stupid expenditure of my time? The past must be accepted. It is, as is. My good wishes and good intentions were as they were, and are as they are. My laziness also was and is, as is. It has always been possible for me to master my laziness when I have seen how to work, and so is it possible now. It has also always been possible for me to master my fear, nd so is it possible now. It is presence that I have lacked. Why, why has it taken me so long? I have set out on this road many, many times and found myself again, not working, lost, in pain and again returned to the way and set out again, with the same result. It must continue, it can't stop. I have learned that it is not helpful to try to be a hero. I need to work for paradise. That is my task at all times and at every moment. Presence is required at every moment. I must work for that, and now I know how to work.

     But I must be realistic. My presence is still in very early stages of development. It is like a small child just learning to walk. I have learned to stand and sometimes I can actually take a few steps. I am not as yet able to take the "Long Walk" to freedom, but yet in developing my presence I am actually starting on that walk, as those who made that heroic trek really started it when they learned to walk. I am not able to remain present for long. I get lost in relationships, I get lost in my thought. But I need to return and persist, as a small child does. It doesn't take them long to go from taking a few shaky steps to running around all over the place, once they get that far.

     It has taken me a hell of a long time to get this far. It wouldn't have to take nearly so long if we had a real culture, even a real subculture of consciousness. We must make it. It has nothing to do with egoism. Reality produced me, reality is my higher power. I wish to conform to reality. There is no other way of life. Egoism is the way of death.

     Impartiality calls to my love for this whole gift of life. It is the bridegroom. I do not accept every part of life. I do not accept the Nazis, for instance. Them, I will fight, "on the beaches and in the landing fields." No, I will never surrender. I would charge with Pickett, for life, but that is not demanded of me. It is demanded that I work, again and again, for real, impartial presence. It is the whole of life that I love. To that I say Yes without reservation. Yes, I will follow you, my Lord, and when this body dies I will follow you still. "Now, and at the hour of our death." Amen.